Worst Conspiracy Theories

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Some of these (actually most of these) are from Alex Jones, some of these I made up. You be the judge. I originally wrote or looked up this stuff over a decade ago for Uncyclopedia. A part of it is reprinted here under Creative Commons.

  1. The reduction of patriotism you see nowadays is a government plot. And so is the reduction of matriotism.
  2. Global warming is a government plot. And they also control your thermostat.
  3. Wal-Mart is a government plot.
  4. Vaccines are a government plot.
  5. Government plots are part of a larger government plot.
  6. Illegal immigrants plotted to get free tuition from the government. … As well as discounts on Twinkies. And they also get to go to the front of the lineup in hospital emergency rooms.
  7. The country is run by Nazis, Communists, the rich, illegal aliens, the Illuminati … who all agree on exactly the same way of running the world and all agree on the same way of screwing with your mind.
  8. The UN is part of a conspiracy to sell thousands of children into snuff films.
  9. Vincente Fox can morph into a devil.
  10. 91% of Americans are Nazis. 
  11. The money going into toll roads are collected by members of Skull and Bones.
  12. The UN goes around the world, sterilizing women at random. Including every woman over the age of 68 (yes, menopause is a government plot).
  13. Gays are actively recruiting in our schools. Recruiting for what, you ask? Recruiting for membership into the International Youth for Drainpipe Engineers, that’s what! And maybe a little game of pin-the-tail-on-the-Meat-Hound afterward.
  14. The secret rulers of the world can live forever. The Scientologico-Illuminato-Skull-and-Boneso-Bohemian-Grovio industrial complex contain every member in it that has ever lived, still living. They took Sauron’s rings to give them eternal life, and they will soon cross species boundaries and become Elvish. Then, Melkor will genetically modify them to become Orcs.
  15. Feminism is a government plot. And Emma Goldman danced at the revolution.
  16. They sacrificed babies at Bohemian Grove.
  17. The Quakers were owned by the Mafia.
  18. Microsoft is owned by the Mafia.
  19. The Aztecs would take hallucinogenic drugs and cut their own penises off. This is why you are here and the Aztecs are not.
  20. Environmentalists have been behind every economic slowdown over the past 40 years.
  21. The Scientologico-Illuminato-Skull-and-Boneso-Bohemian-Grovio industrial complex have been planning a secret world government. With the Freemasons as their bureaucrats.
  22. The Quakers! They’re in it with the Aliens! They’re building landing strips for Gay Martians!
  23. Gluten was brought to us by an alien conspiracy.
  24. Shakespeare’s plays were written by a committee consisting of Freemasons and Quakers.
  25. The Shroud of Turin was painted by Michelangelo.
  26. Jesus and His Ho, Mary Magdalene, were married. Tied da knot, made it legal, got hitched! This was the only way Jesus could get income tax deductions.
  27. They use Area 51 for testing lethal chemicals on prisoners.
  28. Project Blue Book is proof of alien existence. And the reason the government has been hiding news of alien visits is because they are aliens themselves and are slowly taking over control of government. Just check out those reptilian appendages on some of those First Ladies.
  29. Clinton’s cabinet was a Jewish conspiracy.
  30. ISIS is a Jewish conspiracy.
  31. Non-belief in UFOs is part of an oil-ist bias against the truth. 
  32. The Massachusetts Port Authority has been taken over by the Chinese Communist Army. Actually, that would explain a lot of things …
  33. The Gulf of Tonkin Incident happened.
  34. Your missing rings and jewelery have turned up in the Federal Reserve.
  35. The last honourable war was the Civil War. Anyone who died in any war after that was a chump.
  36. The fact that not all conspiracies made this list is the result of a plot. See? The Illuminati have conspired with wiki writers to form the Illiterati.
  37. Columbine was a government plot. As is the right to bear arms.
  38. Starbucks is part of the Illuminati.
  39. Wal-Mart is a front for the Department of Defense.
  40. The Trilateral Commission worships Moloch.
  41. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a known Nazi.
  42. 2.3 trillion dollars disappeared from the U. S. Federal Reserve in 2001. And it was all spent on Twinkies to feed the members of the Illegal Immigrant Conspiracy.
  43. There are people plotting to take over the world, perceptible to only dumb white guys. That’s because dumb white guys have mottled, brown teeth from not drinking the fluoridated water.
  44. SWAT teams are led by a cabal of Muslims led by Ayatollah Obama.
  45. The Illuminati planed to poison us when they wrote the Codex Alimentarius. They distribute microwave ovens to homes around the country to take all the nutrients out of your food.

Coming out of the closet

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Okay. Brace yourself. I have to say it.

I am a rich person trapped in a poor person’s body. I knew I was “different” from other people in the way that I think that I’m better than everyone else, but have never had the standard of living to match it. This forces me to live a middle-class life where I have to make do without a large house on a few acres of land, a car collection, and a mistress. The conflict, depression, pain and suffering I feel is relentless, and transitioning to the person I always was is very difficult. I rely on my friends to give me the resilience and tenacity to keep me focused in my struggle.

From now on, my preferred pronouns are “your highness”, and “his highness”. I need you to bow before me in order to help me in my transitioning from middle class peasant to a jet-setter with a wealth and salary that disgusts people.

I need about ten million dollars, in order to feel more like myself. It would be an end to my grandiosity, because actually being grand is not the same as being grandiose. I would go from being merely delusional to becoming whole.

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Title translation: life, according to spam email

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Translation: these are subject lines of emails i have received recently

Yeah, this will be difficult reading. These email subject lines were actually fed through the “L337 Speak Converter” at www.brenz.net. Consider this to be a test of your “Leet” (L337) translation skillz 🙂

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Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part XIV

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This is the last entry. I would like this to go on forever, but all things must end.

Trump just can't be bothered with laws 
He scoffs the Emoluments Clause 
Though most folks suspect him 
The brain dead protect him 
At most we've got probable cause

Kim Jong Un and Trump should be friends 
Upon them our future depends 
They both have weird hair 
But clearly don't care 
They're focussed on how the world ends

Trump's lawyer makes violent threats 
A ploy that's as wrong as it gets 
He should be on guard 
He could get disbarred 
Then Stormy would have no regrets

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part XIII

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The closer we get to the facts 
The more freakin' guilty Trump acts 
He thinks we're all dumb 
And under his thumb 
I hope that I'm there when he cracks

Trump tries to pretend he's not nuts 
His clan plays along for tax cuts 
And Putin's web trolls 
Still act like assholes 
From far off (cuz they ain’t got no guts)

Trump's guilty of serious crimes 
A fact that's been proved many times 
His fans are insistent: 
It's all non-existent 
"Fake news" as one voice the mob chimes

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part XII

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Trump's doc says he's fit as a fiddle 
But I think he's fudging a little 
No doc talks like that 
Plus Trump's crazy fat 
Too fat for a framework that brittle

All of the president's men 
Run out of mean tricks now and then 
Trump chides them, "You jerks, 
Just go with what works: 
Investigate Clinton again!"

Trump's mindless supporters don't know 
Their hero's tough act's just for show 
He not only cries 
When critics crack wise, 
He pouts when his way things don't go.

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part XI

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Republican voters must wonder 
What sort of a spell are they under? 
Fox News says Trump's cool 
But he's Putin's tool 
Should we have to pay for their blunder?

We can't keep on going this way 
Our plight seems more desperate each day 
I think we all know 
That Trump's got to go 
There's just no time left to delay

Because he was honest and wise, 
George Washington never told lies 
But now Trump's the guy 
And his lies are why 
All over the world he's despised

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part XI

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Stress made Devin Nunes get sick 
Trump told him, "This should do the trick" 
"Hey wait," Devin cried 
"That's pure cyanide!" 
"Don't worry," Trump said, "It works quick."

"Those bastards have me in a fix," 
Trump whined, "Democrats are all dicks 
I'm useless, they say 
'Cause I sleep all day 
Please tramadol 50mg buy move your hand faster, Ms Hicks"

Trump's ass was in trouble, no doubt 
He prayed to his god "Help me out" 
But Trump's god is money 
(and this part is funny) 
It turns out that cash has no clout

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part X

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Stress made Devin Nunes get sick 
Trump told him, "This should do the trick" 
"Hey wait," Devin cried 
"That's pure cyanide!" 
"Don't worry," Trump said, "It works quick."

"Those bastards have me in a fix," 
Trump whined, "Democrats are all dicks 
I'm useless, they say 
'Cause I sleep all day 
Please move your hand faster, Ms Hicks"

Trump's ass was in trouble, no doubt 
He prayed to his god "Help me out" 
But Trump's god is money 
(and this part is funny) 
It turns out that cash has no clout

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part IX

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There once was a VP named Pence 
Whose passion for God was intense 
He called his wife "Mother" 
Had eyes for no other 
And lacked but one thing: common sense

A filthy rich fat guy named Trump 
Saw his pageant beginning to slump 
His beauty queen cried 
Trump took it in stride 
And canned her when she became plump

Trump likes to watch hookers go pee pee 
The sparkle and warmth thrills him deeply 
Some may think it's funny 
To pee pee pee for money 
But most people think it's just creepy

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part VIII

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Our president promised a wall 
The neighbors would pay for it all 
But when it came time 
To show us the dime 
All Trump could do was just stall

A well-to-do nitwit named Trump 
Was a liar, a thief and a chump 
He said "Yes I'm rich, 
The son of a bitch, 
My real name's actually Drumpf

Keebler Elf Jeffy Sessions 
Had style that just begged bad impressions 
In courtroom confusion 
He copped to collusion 
Which led to more heartfelt confessions

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part VII

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While driving his daughter to school 
Trump farted and felt like a fool 
Ivanka said "Dad, 
It really is bad 
I'll just walk from here if that's cool"

What's up with Sean Hannity's hair? 
Did he mean to put his part there? 
The way that it's cut 
It looks like a butt 
I bet little kids point and stare

Some leaders like to educate 
While others just pontificate 
But ol' Trump is sly 
And I'll tell you why 
His secret is to obfuscate

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part VI

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Trump met a young girl named Melania 
They went out to dine on lasagna 
He plied her with liquor 
And told her, "Eat quicker, 
By seven I plan to be on ya"

One evening while roaming the White House 
Trump wondered if he had the right house 
Melania said "Hey, 
If I had my way 
We'd live in an Uglegorsk lighthouse"

"My daughter is gorgeous" Trump said 
"I can't get her out of my head 
That tight, sexy body – 
God damn, she's a hottie! 
And one day I'll get her in bed"

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part V

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Now that the memo's released 
And all of the screaming has ceased 
Those four little pages 
That seemed so outrageous 
Have gone from "the worst" to "the least."

Melania hated her life 
She didn't like being Trump's wife 
To deal with the man 
She thought up a plan 
Involving scotch, roofies and a knife

While styling his coiffure last May 
Trump wondered if he might be gay 
So he stuck his thumb 
Deep into his bum 
And there it remains to this day

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part IV

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Not clapping for Trump is now treason 
A big deal to him for some reason 
He's so full of crap 
Why bother to clap? 
With luck he'll be gone by next season

Republicans say we're unfair 
For laughing at Donald Trump's hair
That orange cotton candy 
He thinks looks so dandy 
Came straight from the New York State Fair

"What sanctions?" Trump asked insincerely 
"The Russians are our allies, clearly 
Obama's just jealous 
Of me and the fellas 
'Cause we love the Motherland dearly"

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part III

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Of Putin no ill has Trump spoken 
Such words anyway would be token 
As Trump's critics know 
His bluster's for show 
Vlad's end would leave Donald heartbroken

What sort of man needs a parade? 
Is this moron in the fourth grade? 
His hour of fun 
Will cost US a ton 
It won't be his money that's paid

An ass-kissing Fox shill named Hannity 
Takes pleasure in stroking Trump's vanity 
His audience buys 
Each one of Trump's lies
Thus perpetuating insanity

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part II

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Without any apprehension 
Trump screwed McCabe out of his pension 
He never gets tired 
Of saying "you're fired" 
Or increasing national tension

Said Donald, "I just had to try it" 
So Stormy got paid to be quiet 
Republicans blamed her 
Evangelists shamed her 
Trump did what he does -- he denied it

Controlling guns seems a lost cause 
The NRA writes its own laws 
Trump plans to do naught 
'Cause his ass is bought 
It's an endless parade of last straws

Todd Taliaferro’s Trump Limerick series Part I

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A YouTube viewer who goes by the name Todd Taliaferro posted a comment on YouTube that showed a prolific hand at making limericks (link here). His series of limericks goes on for some 45 or more stanzas. I was so impressed, I am going to post three of these per week.

Trump's "University" was a scam 
It put Trump once more in a jam 
Sure, Donald's reptilian 
But twenty-five million 
Makes even rich bastards go "Damn!"

McMaster done sealed his own fate 
By bad-mouthing Donald's soul mate 
Though his words were true 
Trump gave him the screw 
Which helps make America great

Trump's secret is Putin's paid trolls 
Their propaganda fooled the polls 
With Trump's sneaky lies 
They tricked the unwise 
Who still choose to act like assholes

 

The ABCs of auto-complete

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Filling out “What is _____”?

The rule is: write a word or two about the first topic I see from the autocomplete dropdown.

Antifa: antifa=”anti fascist”
Bitcoin: (I swear, I am just following the first thing I see!) an alternate currency used to purchase items online. (blockchain, a term related to bitcoin, came in third)
climate change: Big topic. Good luck with that project, kids.
DACA: The acronym for an Obama-era immigration programme called “Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals”, currently under threat by Donald Trump.
eid: A Muslim festival
fentanyl: a painkiller, too powerful for humans
gout: pain, too powerful for most people. Just try not to use fentanyl.
hpv: human papilloma virus
instagram: a way to share photos and videos via your smartphone
justice: a clothing store for young girls.
kombucha: a fermented Chinese tea
lupus: people seem to have a morbid interest in nasty diseases so far, don’t they?
ms: see?
nafta: an agreement which drains manufacturing jobs to Mexico, while causing Mexican to do the same work in squalid conditions for a fraction of the wages.
osteoporosis: a leaching of calcium from the bones, causing them to weaken.
pinterest: why is this at the top of google? I would bet that the site is something like “pinterest.com” — isn’t that worth a try to find out first-hand?
queer: a gay or lesbian person. The Google dictionary did not offer that as a definition, by the way, which is rather queer, to use the Google definition.
room temperature: 68 fahrenheit or 20 celsius.
Sarahah: Great. Another app which provides a way to harass others anonymously.
transgender: sense of personal identity does not relate to thei r biologically-assigned sex.
uber: Outstanding or Supreme; also a transport company.
vpn: virtual private network
whole milk: milk with around 4% milk fat
xanax: a mood drug
your name: yes, that really came up first for “y”
zip code: doesn’t apply to me, I don’t have a zip code

You know it’s April 1st when …

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The news cycle is replete with bogus stories:

  • Trump appoints Ivanka to head anti-nepotism task force.
  • ‘Trump has decided gravity is not real’, says Sean Spicer, while clearly suspended by wires.
  • “Putting Shakespeare to Rap music helps students revise”, say leading educators.
  • World’s Largest aircraft APR001 to house a swimming pool, gym, and park.
  • Ask Google Gnome what to feed your marigolds, or if your marigolds can feed you.
  • Ireland’s Trump Dublin completion expected by 2018

Multiple choice question: One of the above six stories is actually real. Click here if you want to see the “true” news article for the answer.

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