Crappy Album Covers #314 — Bruno’s Younger Half-Brother

Bruno’s younger half-brother Tomas wanted to get into show business too. But unlike Bruno, he went to Spain where he thought there may be more of a market for playing accordion while taking your clothes off.At a certain point, when he has taken all of his clothes off, he plays his accordion down at the groin level …. verrrrrry delicately…..
Tomas’s father Andre, mother Bertille, and big brother Laszlo has decided to put out a French-language album, to show off their linguistic diversity. Bertille can’t do much except stare at the floor since she sprained her wrist playing maracas a little over-zealously last week. Laszlo wishes he were in a heavy metal group, but his father made him take accordion lessons instead. This “family band” thing is cramping Laszlo’s style.Don’t know much at all about these records.

 

[Adult Content] Crappy Album Covers #313 — More people that worry me

The kind of only definition of romantic that this album conjures up is reminiscent of cheap 70s porn, with the requisite bad acting and bad writing. Since this is an instrumental album, it could very well be the same musicians that performed on the movie.Martin Denny is a well known pinist pianist who should know better. He is known as the “father of exotica” music. Definitely not the father of erotica, with this LP.
Surely this is some kind of joke. If it indeed is a joke and not a real record cover, it has  to be the best retouching job in the history of photography. But alas, it is the real thing. This is a various artists collection of racy music and comedy. Even by today’s standards, the album cover and title give me the creeps.I just hope she returns her pussy back to her daddy once she’s done playing with it. I mean the cat.

Crappy Album Covers #312 — Hard-lookin’ album covers

This entry concerns guys whose faces should not have been so prominent as the selling point of a record  album. 

One thing for sure, you won’t forget this guy’s face, so it does have that going for it. Tominthebox.com discusses albums like this, where, with the advent of shareware graphics packages, along with faster computers, anyone with a 486 and up could have easily put together an album cover like this in minutes in the mid-90s.

Songs include heartwarming titles such as “If I die tonight because I’ll kill you, would you be sure that you would go to Heaven?” Kinda makes you feel closer to God, doesn’t it?

Nothing like a hard-looking hippie posing as some kind of “Nature Boy” to make you want to cling to city life that much more. 

Eden Ahbez (1908-1995) wrote the smash hit “Nature Boy” in the mid-40s which became a #1 hit for 8 weeks.

WIkipedia discusses a day in the life of the eccentric Eden Ahbez:

Living a bucolic life from at least the 1940s, he traveled in sandals and wore shoulder-length hair and beard, and white robes. He camped out below the first L in the Hollywood Sign above Los Angeles and studied Oriental mysticism. He slept outdoors with his family and ate vegetables, fruits, and nuts. He claimed to live on three dollars per week.

Crappy Album Covers #311 — Dogs and Cats

Watchtower fans (both of them, I guess) might get annoyed about my honest question, along the lines of: does the title of their 1989 album, “Control and Resistance” refer to the dog or the Rush-influenced lyrics?progarchives.com lists copies of this CD from $15.00 to $40.00, depending on the condition.
zoice.com had this album, no idea what it’s about. But in case you couldn’t figure out the theme of the album, and don’t understand the language and alphabet used, I guess it’s about cats. There is a female cat, a mad cat, and a sleepy cat.  The cat woman depicted in the photo doesn’t look too expressive, but if she’s holding a pistol, I guess she doesn’t need to be.

Crappy Album Covers #310 — Sin and Debauchery

Porter Wagoner was at it again with even more whiskey-soaked country tunes, the saddest being the one about the time that he drank from a bottle until there was no whiskey left. It wasn’t the part about the hallucinations that was sad, it was the part about drinking and suddenly there was nothing left to drink. Imagine, being told to stop drinking by a mere bottle!Porter is now gonna show that bottle who’s the boss….
When you run out of whiskey, there is only one thing left for a drunkard to do, and that is to go to Sin Alley. They got sex, lust, fighting, and did I mention sex? And even frogs and Martians! Whatever you’re into, I suppose…

Crappy Album Covers #309 — Getting carried away with graphics

Accused on progulus.com of  being one of many ugly Bryce renderings (or possibly Corel Draw), the cover looks too generic for an artist to base a “public image” on. 

It is not clear if “anomaly” is the name of the band, the album, or both. Searches turned up tons of albums named “anomaly”, none matching this cover.

Power of Omens is a currently active band, who currently has a spam-riddled Myspace site, whose most recent notable post seems to be over the death of one of the brothers of the band members, also a musician. 

Their own website also has as its sole page, a large photo of the late Matt Williamson, and links to blog posts, along with a link back to Myspace.

No news about their discography, or of this Bryce-induced casualty, entitled “Eyes of the Oracle”.

Crappy Album Covers #308 — Sexually Preoccupied

This is another compilation from that seminal CAC factory, TOPS, where we have had so many of our album covers come from. This 1959 album features the vocal stylings of Cesar Romero and Mel Torme, among several other artists. 

TOPS records sold mostly cheap cover versions of their records in drug stores, department stores, and advertised on radio in some markets in the 1950s and early 1960s.

This is the second album from Ilene (“Rusty”) Warren, “Knockers Up”. This 1960 album title is what gave her the monacre of “The Knockers Up Gal”. 

Due to the tune “Bounce Your Boobies”, a tune encouraging women to remove their bras, she also predated the sexual revolution slightly, and is said to the the “mother” of the sexual revolution.

Crappy Album Covers #307 — So Rockin’ it Hurts

This is a 1958 compilation on the “Waldorf Music Hall” record label, and was part of a series of cover tunes done by “middle calibre” acts of the time. This album featured The Ink Spots and Vincent Lopez.
Congo Mambo Mando & the Chili Peppers “On the Road With Rock and Roll”. Year unknown and not much else either.

Crappy Album Covers #306 — Run Toward the Bore

Tamara Faye LaValley (1942-2007), known to us adoring admirers as The Zealot Formerly Known As Tammy Faye Baaker (and later the zealot known as Tammy Faye Messner) had no hope growing up. She was the eldest of eight kids in a family where both parents were Pentacostal preachers, so adherence to Christianity was de rigeur. Becoming a Christian tele-evangelist was her fate.  In a strange twist for the Christian Right, Tammy Faye was actually popular with the LGBT community. 

I can’t explain the cover, any more than I can explain which of the two subjects in the photo is more scared.

She died of lung cancer in Kansas City, Missouri in July of 2007, and is survived by her second husband Joe Messner.

Well, I couldn’t find much on these folks, consisting of what appears to be four clean-looking Texans (five if you count the judge). 

Here, they will talk about Texas justice through the magic of song …

 

Crappy Album Covers #305 — Some guys know what to do with their trumpets, while …

Don “Jake” Jacoby (1920-1992) was a session musician for NBC and CBS, and also played solo at Carnegie Hall. He was also apparently for hire for building demolition contracts. Less risky than using dynamite, he would honk out a note that would cause a resonant reinforcement with the building, and down it comes!
Ernie Englund’s (1928-2002) notes caused resonance with female specimens that were tested. Apparently, they were not able to keep their clothes on. 

Chicago-born Ernie Englund emigrated to Sweden in 1944, where he spent most of his life. He is considered to be a Swedish composer. He died in Gotland in 2002.

 

Crappy Album Covers #304 — A Man’s Man

Widely recognized in the “so bad it’s good” category of performing, they are still discussed in many Spanish-speaking blogs, not always in the most endearing of terms. The album Vamos a la playa (Spanish for “Go to the Beach”)  is also a staple in the Crappy Album Blogosphere.

Very little straight dope exists about this duo, except that they are from Venezuela, and made their claim to fame out of a botched-up performance at a 2004 talent show where they forgot their lines.

Miranda plays Vamos a la Playa below, probably the way it was meant to be played.

Probably the brothers of three different mothers, The Omaha Loose Brothers have been described as singing “Pastoral Americana” (I think that means folk music), but there are traces of Jazz also.

This 1978 LP “A Celebration” sells for $300.00 in “very good” condition, according to gemm.com.

Miranda — Vamos a la Playa:
[youtube r1lMxsy7L5w]

Crappy Album Covers #303 — The Other Woman

I saw Judy in the distance, giving me the eye. I knew this was no ordianry attraction.
But after our one-night stand, I went home to my wife Bobbi, explained to her that I had a sale to do out of town, and had to spend the night at a motel, and she didn’t suspect a thing. 

Judy Canova (1913-1983), sometimes referred to as “The Ozark Nightingale”, was a comedienne, and actress. She hosted The Judy Canova Show on NBC and CBS radio networks in the 40s and 50s.

I could find no information on Jim and Bobbi LeMay.

 

Crappy Album Covers #302 — From Ghetto to Pulpit to Outer Space

Whether a ghetto gangleader or a fundamentalist preacher, isn’t Rick Ingle always the leader of something? Rick Ingle is still going strong, with his own website, and First Baptist Church in Denton, Texas.
Yes. Lafayette Ronald Hubbard (1911-1986). Science fiction writer. Psychotherapist, practitioner of Dianetics. Founder of the Church of Scientology. And now, Jazz musician (Hubbard is credited as the composer on this 1982 record). I have never in my life heard of a book with its own soundtrack. This record claims it is the first.So, on Battlefield Earth, they listen to Jazz. Is it that hard to imagine Dizzy Gillespie and Zoot Sims playing the soundtrack to the apocalypse? The next mushroom cloud I see, I’ll think of Oscar Peterson.

All kidding aside, musicians credited on the LP consist of Chick Corea, and Stanley Clarke.

After Hubbard’s death, control over copyright had been passed to The Church of Scientology.

In 2006, a New Jersey newspaper, The Hunterton Democrat, offered this album as the first prize in that year’s Worst Record Competition. The winner of that competition was a woman from Verona, NJ who submitted Leonard Nimoy’s “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”.

This tune by Nimoy has been seen before on SJ. In case you missed it, see below: (youtube has removed the video)

Crappy Album Covers #301 — Pope Banjoboy I

Tell me something: when you look at this album cover, do you think: “Dixieland”? It may be a depiction of someone’s acid-induced hallucination of Dixieland, but the contents of this 1959 LP consist mainly of Dixieland standards such as “Clementine” and “Oh Suzanna”. The Celestial Monochord offers a psychoanalysis of the album cover. 

The banjo player may or may not have participated in the music of the record, which was mostly done by studio musicians. There was a later stereo release with “Stereo” written across the top of the design.

The barbershop quartet “The Golden Staters” are three-time International SPEDSQSA medalists. On the cover, you are informed that they had won in 1966 and 1967. They won a third time in 1972. SPEDSQSA is the Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barbershop Quartet Singing in America. Bet you didn’t know such a society existed, huh? The quartet consisted of Gary and Jack Harding, Milt Christensen, and Mike Senter.

Crappy Album Covers #300 — Fitness Revisited

If your kids are not jumping rope or playing ball, they will grow up to be one of those Internet chat room perverts, and this record isn’t going to help. 

Note to parents: buy your kids an actual ball or jump rope instead of a record album which discusses it.

On the other hand, if your kids actually like calesthetics, that isn’t natural. For the rest of the children in society, we have this record to keep you in rhythm. 1, 2, 3, stretch! …

 

Crappy Album Covers #299 — The Return of Self-help for the Helpless

One way to reinforce good behaviour in the young is to play them a record about manners. The cartoon drawings likely depict events and situations in the recording.Am I the only one that sees striking resemblances between the kids on this album cover and Peanuts characters?
This is something I have a problem with, and likely many other people also. Oh, how I wish I could spin a record and just remember people’s names and faces, just like that!William D. Hersey has published quite a bit on memory and cognition issues. A current paperback, published in 1991 by Hersey called “Blueprints for Memory”, currently sells on E-Bay for US$156 in new condition.

Crappy Album Covers #298 — Do you like circuses?

Another promo from Texaco, you can see the guy has pulled over in his automobile, presumably, to put a tiger in his tank. But hey, isn’t that the slogan from Esso?The LP has mostly Latin dance tunes, and has recently been re-released on CD. The “con Texaco saco Mas” was replaced simply by “Fragoso”, with the Texaco logo erased.
This is a bluesy and somewhat danceable kind of album, and it does have following. It was featured at WFMU back in 2007, and no one seems to know when it was recorded or who Hanley Johnson was. The album concept is so awful, that one couldn’t seriously have meant this for general circulation. Maybe it was a promo, which would make more sense.

Crappy Album Covers #297 — For the kiddies

Oh, they heard of marketing in the 60s. Back then, kids went to the theatre to see Herbie the Love Bug, laugh at Buddy Hackett’s antics, then they were sold a record that tells a condensed or modified version of the same story. So, they get the kids twice.
We all know Disney was into that kind of thing. But didja know that Hanna-Barbera wanted a piece of the action as well? And it was for a movie that they didn’t make famous. Starring the not-so-well-known cartoon characters Super Snooper and Blabbermouse. 

These days, James Bomb is an online game, played at a number of virus-infected spam sites.

Crappy Album Covers #296 — Music to sell widgets by

These are both promotional records, not sold to the public. They are presented here as artifacts.Mr. Magoo, a cartoon character created in 1949, but was viewed in short cartoon TV animations well into the 1970s, is seen here shilling for lightbulbs.

For those of you who don’t understand the character, Magoo is a wealthy retiree voiced by Jim Backus (who was seen on Gilligan’s Island as “The Millionaire”). Magoo suffers from nearsightedness which he never admits to, and gets into ridiculous situations, such as thinking a saw is a bow.

This one is a duller cover, even less worthy of comment. It is a record paid for by Allied Van Lines.I have no idea as to when either of these records came out, and no info seems to exist on the ‘net.

Crappy Album Covers #295 — A Fink Fixation

There have been many electrons spilled recently (I can’t say “much ink spilled”, this being the Internet) over a certain kind of woman who seem to always fall in love with jerks, then they meet a nice guy who they tell their problems to, they become friends, then she dates the jerk again, leaving the more deserving “friend” empty-handed. 

Jackie Kannon has those ladies figured out. They are called “rat fink lovers”. And to turn this part of the music-buying market into a cash cow for him, he has music for these rat fink lovers to love their rat fink boyfriends.

In reality, this 1964 album contains many standards that were current with the early-to-mid ’60s “lounge music” that had its heyday back then. The album is considered rare, and a copy was being sold on Amazon, used, for US$49.

This album loses on all fronts. The title is a poorly-constructed pun (“Sing along with Mitch”, I think is the general idea). Alfred E. Neuman is depicted with the trademark Mitch Miller ghoti. 

Mitch Miller (1911-2010) was a household name in the mid-1960s, known for his television series and accompanying record series, “Sing Along With Mitch”, which was active between 1961 and 1964. He was also head of artists and reperoire for Columbia Records.