Crappy Album Covers #303 — The Other Woman

I saw Judy in the distance, giving me the eye. I knew this was no ordianry attraction.
But after our one-night stand, I went home to my wife Bobbi, explained to her that I had a sale to do out of town, and had to spend the night at a motel, and she didn’t suspect a thing. 

Judy Canova (1913-1983), sometimes referred to as “The Ozark Nightingale”, was a comedienne, and actress. She hosted The Judy Canova Show on NBC and CBS radio networks in the 40s and 50s.

I could find no information on Jim and Bobbi LeMay.

 

Crappy Album Covers #302 — From Ghetto to Pulpit to Outer Space

Whether a ghetto gangleader or a fundamentalist preacher, isn’t Rick Ingle always the leader of something? Rick Ingle is still going strong, with his own website, and First Baptist Church in Denton, Texas.
Yes. Lafayette Ronald Hubbard (1911-1986). Science fiction writer. Psychotherapist, practitioner of Dianetics. Founder of the Church of Scientology. And now, Jazz musician (Hubbard is credited as the composer on this 1982 record). I have never in my life heard of a book with its own soundtrack. This record claims it is the first.So, on Battlefield Earth, they listen to Jazz. Is it that hard to imagine Dizzy Gillespie and Zoot Sims playing the soundtrack to the apocalypse? The next mushroom cloud I see, I’ll think of Oscar Peterson.

All kidding aside, musicians credited on the LP consist of Chick Corea, and Stanley Clarke.

After Hubbard’s death, control over copyright had been passed to The Church of Scientology.

In 2006, a New Jersey newspaper, The Hunterton Democrat, offered this album as the first prize in that year’s Worst Record Competition. The winner of that competition was a woman from Verona, NJ who submitted Leonard Nimoy’s “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”.

This tune by Nimoy has been seen before on SJ. In case you missed it, see below: (youtube has removed the video)

Crappy Album Covers #301 — Pope Banjoboy I

Tell me something: when you look at this album cover, do you think: “Dixieland”? It may be a depiction of someone’s acid-induced hallucination of Dixieland, but the contents of this 1959 LP consist mainly of Dixieland standards such as “Clementine” and “Oh Suzanna”. The Celestial Monochord offers a psychoanalysis of the album cover. 

The banjo player may or may not have participated in the music of the record, which was mostly done by studio musicians. There was a later stereo release with “Stereo” written across the top of the design.

The barbershop quartet “The Golden Staters” are three-time International SPEDSQSA medalists. On the cover, you are informed that they had won in 1966 and 1967. They won a third time in 1972. SPEDSQSA is the Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barbershop Quartet Singing in America. Bet you didn’t know such a society existed, huh? The quartet consisted of Gary and Jack Harding, Milt Christensen, and Mike Senter.

Crappy Album Covers #300 — Fitness Revisited

If your kids are not jumping rope or playing ball, they will grow up to be one of those Internet chat room perverts, and this record isn’t going to help. 

Note to parents: buy your kids an actual ball or jump rope instead of a record album which discusses it.

On the other hand, if your kids actually like calesthetics, that isn’t natural. For the rest of the children in society, we have this record to keep you in rhythm. 1, 2, 3, stretch! …

 

Crappy Album Covers #299 — The Return of Self-help for the Helpless

One way to reinforce good behaviour in the young is to play them a record about manners. The cartoon drawings likely depict events and situations in the recording.Am I the only one that sees striking resemblances between the kids on this album cover and Peanuts characters?
This is something I have a problem with, and likely many other people also. Oh, how I wish I could spin a record and just remember people’s names and faces, just like that!William D. Hersey has published quite a bit on memory and cognition issues. A current paperback, published in 1991 by Hersey called “Blueprints for Memory”, currently sells on E-Bay for US$156 in new condition.

Crappy Album Covers #298 — Do you like circuses?

Another promo from Texaco, you can see the guy has pulled over in his automobile, presumably, to put a tiger in his tank. But hey, isn’t that the slogan from Esso?The LP has mostly Latin dance tunes, and has recently been re-released on CD. The “con Texaco saco Mas” was replaced simply by “Fragoso”, with the Texaco logo erased.
This is a bluesy and somewhat danceable kind of album, and it does have following. It was featured at WFMU back in 2007, and no one seems to know when it was recorded or who Hanley Johnson was. The album concept is so awful, that one couldn’t seriously have meant this for general circulation. Maybe it was a promo, which would make more sense.

Crappy Album Covers #297 — For the kiddies

Oh, they heard of marketing in the 60s. Back then, kids went to the theatre to see Herbie the Love Bug, laugh at Buddy Hackett’s antics, then they were sold a record that tells a condensed or modified version of the same story. So, they get the kids twice.
We all know Disney was into that kind of thing. But didja know that Hanna-Barbera wanted a piece of the action as well? And it was for a movie that they didn’t make famous. Starring the not-so-well-known cartoon characters Super Snooper and Blabbermouse. 

These days, James Bomb is an online game, played at a number of virus-infected spam sites.

Crappy Album Covers #296 — Music to sell widgets by

These are both promotional records, not sold to the public. They are presented here as artifacts.Mr. Magoo, a cartoon character created in 1949, but was viewed in short cartoon TV animations well into the 1970s, is seen here shilling for lightbulbs.

For those of you who don’t understand the character, Magoo is a wealthy retiree voiced by Jim Backus (who was seen on Gilligan’s Island as “The Millionaire”). Magoo suffers from nearsightedness which he never admits to, and gets into ridiculous situations, such as thinking a saw is a bow.

This one is a duller cover, even less worthy of comment. It is a record paid for by Allied Van Lines.I have no idea as to when either of these records came out, and no info seems to exist on the ‘net.

Crappy Album Covers #295 — A Fink Fixation

There have been many electrons spilled recently (I can’t say “much ink spilled”, this being the Internet) over a certain kind of woman who seem to always fall in love with jerks, then they meet a nice guy who they tell their problems to, they become friends, then she dates the jerk again, leaving the more deserving “friend” empty-handed. 

Jackie Kannon has those ladies figured out. They are called “rat fink lovers”. And to turn this part of the music-buying market into a cash cow for him, he has music for these rat fink lovers to love their rat fink boyfriends.

In reality, this 1964 album contains many standards that were current with the early-to-mid ’60s “lounge music” that had its heyday back then. The album is considered rare, and a copy was being sold on Amazon, used, for US$49.

This album loses on all fronts. The title is a poorly-constructed pun (“Sing along with Mitch”, I think is the general idea). Alfred E. Neuman is depicted with the trademark Mitch Miller ghoti. 

Mitch Miller (1911-2010) was a household name in the mid-1960s, known for his television series and accompanying record series, “Sing Along With Mitch”, which was active between 1961 and 1964. He was also head of artists and reperoire for Columbia Records.

Crappy album Covers #294 — Agents need love, too

Over at The Matrix, these four agents spend their time masquerading as a singing group when they’re not reporting back to The Man. But cyborgs have needs too. 

Yes, like the rest of us, they need female companionship. They found to their disappointment that pencil-neckties, pocket protectors,  and horn-rimmed glasses will only get you so far in this world.

But not just female companionship. Cyborgs also might express an interest in raising a family, seeing their little cyborgs go to school, playing catch with their little son and daughter agents-to-be, and maybe even go to a movie as a cyborg family once in a while.

And here is the answer to their prayers: four ladies for four guys. Female agents are deceptively heavy (as are sentinel men), and have to be delivered by crane. Four beautiful cyborg women for them to settle down with and have a family. 

There is no information on The Shows Brothers, except that they appear to be still making albums; and Kentucky-born Jonah Jones (1909-2000) was a Jazz trumpeter who made it into The Jazz and Big Band Hall of Fame a year before he died at age 91. During his tenure, Jones performed with the likes of Cab Calloway and Benny Carter. He would lead his own band after 1950.

 

Crappy Album Covers #293 — Female American Indians on Vinyl

This 1967 album by Buffy Sainte-Marie is her fourth, and has one hit, “The Circle Game” in it, which waited around for three years before charting at #76 in 1970.

Not having a bad voice as an excuse (compared with Dylan, etc), it still seems that most of her hit songs, most notably “Until It’s Time For You To Go”, were covered as bigger hits by other artists.  Other examples: “Universal Soldier” (was a hit by Donovan); and who can forget “Up Where We Belong” (Joe Cocker/ Jennifer Warnes)? Ironically, “The Circle Game” is not hers. That one was a Joni Mitchell cover. It is interesting to note that both Joni Mitchell and Buffy Sainte-Marie were born in Saskatchewan: Joni in Saskatoon, and Buffy in a Cree reserve in the Qu’Appelle Valley.

She has, as recently as 2008, claimed that Lyndon Johnson was instrumental in suppressing Native American music on the airwaves, but also in helping to suppress protest music generally. An interview of this was published 2 years earlier by American Indian Today.

Lottie Adams is less well-known, and should know better than to have caved into the latest (as of the 70s) pop-psych lingo to let the world know she is somehow in touch with herself. It is likely un-necessary in her case, but little or no straight info is available on Lottie or this record as far as I can see, so we won’t know for sure.

Crappy Album Covers #292 — The SJ Blind Dating Service IV

Hi, my name is Bill Haymes, I like singing and songwriting and the educational challenge of getting children to write “adult contemporary” songs. I like nature, camping, riding down dirt roads in a VW Microbus. 

Looking for a woman who will tour with me, likes nature as much as I do, and is willing to have America’s first family on the road.

My name is Virginia Belmont. I run a bird store and kennel in Manhattan, under the Rockefeller Centre, near the subway station. After decades of running this store and selling birds and dogs, I have finally had enough of the noise and racket, and I just want to run away. Anywhere but here. 

I am also tired of the bar scene and I am seeking a man who is willing to run away with me, for a long-term committment.

Crappy Album Covers #291 — The SJ Blind Dating Service III

Hi. I’m Richard du Bois, I was born in The Bronx, I won Mr. America in 1954, Mr. Universe in 1955, and Mr. USA in 1957. I boinked dated Mae West, but got dumped for another guy who had a bigger pistol in his pocket. I made this record at a speech of the Full Gospel Businessman’s Fellowship, and they were all praying to be like me.

Seeking a female who agrees with me that I’m hot.

Hello. Hello? I thought the room was empty. Well, I think Dick Dubois is hot. Hi, Dickie-kins!

My name is Lu Lu, and my interests are singing country and western, and when I’n not singing, I just like to sit in front of the TV or read a trashy romance novel while eating a whole jar of cream puffs. OK, I confess, … two jars.

One of my quirks is that I order hairspray by the case, and have more cases on back order for the next 10 years. I don’t know if I wear my hair or my hair wears me!

Crappy Album Covers #290 — Armageddon and Doom Revisited

Not much information exists on Mr. Luke Hollandsworth and this absolutely prophetic album.  It is obvious that it is butt-ugly, and probably handed out to parishoners after one of his sermons.
I am not sure if The Baptist Standard is the same as this Baptist Standard, which now has a web edition. But Bobby Mankin is from Houston, and this 1968 album, “Doomed by Dope”, all kidding aside, tells quite a powerful story about involvement with drugs, pushers, and the law. And of course, his conversion to Christianity afterward.

Crappy Album Covers #289 — The return of the SJ Blind Dating Service

Hi, my name is Steve Warren, I’m in my mid-30s, my favourite food is spicy chicken wings, and my favourite pastime consists of grooming my coiff’ and staring at myself in the mirror while playing “Dancing with myself” by Billy Idol..Seeking a woman who is quiet and is appreciative of a real man.
I’m Myrnie Henderson. I’m 28 but my hairdo makes me look 36. I just finished majoring in Music a couple of years ago. I didn’t just find my voice, I found several voices. I can sing opera like Maureen Forrester, or I can sing “Celebrity Skin” like Courtney Love. Now I don’t know who I am anymore.Seeking a man who will make me whole again.

Crappy Album Covers #288 — The race to the bottom

Winning second place in the race to the bottom, is the Beatle Buddies! Four somewhat attractive women, who don’t even bother to take off their clothes, have therefore let this albun stand on the strength of their musical ability alone.
A word to their favour, their hairstyles all look pretty timeless. If it weren’t for the rest of the album design, you probably think this album was new. And reportedly, they can in fact sing, but don’t expect anything earth-shattering.
And in the race for the bottom, Ignatz Topolino wins by a nose! 

Ignatz Topolino honks out his proboscis-gleaned standards in this album series of jazz legends. He has taken out a million dollar insurance policy in case someone punches him in the muzzle in a dark alley somewhere. Even viral infections causing nosebleeds could lay him up for weeks.

So, keeping a clean nose, he honks out his harmonica hits that entice women to throw him flowers in concerts (nosegays, of course), and show him their hooters.

E-How.com describes how to play the harmonica with your nose.

Crappy Album Covers #287 – Little-Known Artists Sporting Rolls-Royces

This album, supposedly made in 1978, shows the precursor to rappers in garish cars: hippies with garish cars. In 1978, hippies were long since a dying breed, being mostly a year for either clean-cut looking guys in disco suits, or for filthy-looking punk rockers.

This record was released on the Cherry Records label out of Houston, Texas (not to be confused with the Cherry Red record label from England, which also existed in 1978). A copy of this 33-minute album in new condition — a delete, no less (you know, the kind with the hole punched through a corner of the record cover), sells currently on E-Bay for about 17 bucks (USD), and no bids are being considered. Just pay them the money. And that doesn’t count shipping. You can also buy a T-Shirt on E-Bay in connection with this album for $19.99 USD, gently used.

While half of the internet wants to sell me a copy of this album at wildly varying prices, and there is much euphoria among the sellers about how rare this record is, nobody seems to know anything more about this band. Just give the sellers your money.

Frank Ford and Andy Angel were a 70s lounge act playing instrumentals. Their 1977 album “You Can’t Have Everything” looks like a comedy album, but is really an album of jazz and funk standards that were current with the late seventies. This album is reputed to have a killer version of Herbie Hancock’s Chameleon.

Once again, not much else is known about these guys. As you can see, the record illustrated is autographed.

Crappy Album Covers #286 – As Crappy as We Wanna Be

I have had many examples in this blog of black people in comedy getting all potty mouthed and raunchy. Now, Nova Scotian comedians  MacLean and MacLean, later based in Winnipeg, have shown us that whitey can be just as potty mouthed, and have potties to prove it. Here, they join the white lowbrow humour of folks such as George Carlin (1937-2008) and others. 

The brothers MacLean consisted of Gary (1944-2001) and Blair (1943-2008). It seems that their last album, perhaps a re-release of old material, happened around 2003, while Blair was still alive.

The people responsible for this album are a comedy troupe from Louisiana who call themselves Fudgeripple Follies. The “or” after “Follies” appears to have been misplaced, as the name of the play is just “Nobody Likes a Smart Ass”. 

This is the second of a two-volume set that was made “some time in the 1960s”. It is the sound track to a comedic live performance that played in the French Quarter of New Orleans.

The play itself began in 1960, and starred a then-unknown actor named Bill Holiday. After 8 years performing at the Bourbon Street theatre, Bill dropped out to pursue a career in film. This is not to be confused with Jazz singer Billie Holiday, who is female besides.

Crappy Album Covers #285 – Disco Lotion and Soul Lubricant

Nancy Reed, otherwise known as Lady Reed, is a comedienne of the raunchy variety. Record stores often sold it “under the table” even as the so-called 70s sexual liberation was happening. Or maybe with titles like “International United Whores Union” they were afraid of offending their sistas at the Prostitutes Collective of Victoria (Australia), called PVC. The deal is, that this track sounds more like a manifesto for prostitutes, with swear words.

Clearly, she lives up to her image as “The Queen Bee”. Great album for those of us who want to hear lots of cuss words and think that’s comedy.

By internet standards, it’s actually pretty lame.

She was closely allied with another potty-mouthed 70s comedian, who goes by the name of Rudy Ray Moore, also known sometimes as Dolomite.

You are looking at the Dutch group’s TekNaloG’s first EP. It was released some time earlier this year, and you can actually both hear and download a free album from their website.

 

Crappy Album Covers #284 – Big, Mean Rockers

Floridian Maurice Young, known to his adoring admirers as “Trick Daddy”, has his 1998 album right here, with the clever name “www.thug.com”. Get a load of the web browser design, and the disembodied head of Mr. Daddy, impaled on his own logo. That’s gotta hurt, Maurice.

The website still exists, along with its concomitant musician-thugs who deny they murdered somebody-or-other. All this murder is starting to get rather dull. But It looks as though MC Boosie (who hails from Louisiana) has a good lawyer, and he may stay off death row, as a visit to www.thug.com assured me.

Another staple of the CAC blogosphere, “Bass-ic Rock”, has no artist and no year. Just a goofy looking hippie with a bass guitar on the cover.

Actually, after scouring the web, I came to a Japanese site, which associates the title with a guy named Noel Edward Smith. A translation of that page tells me that this is an instructional record, complete with an accompanying book.