Tag: Lightning Bolts

Elvis and Jesus

Elvis and Jesus have more in common than you think.

Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.

No one knows what the “H” in “Jesus H. Christ” stood for.
No one was really sure if Elvis’ middle name was “Aron” or “Aaron”.

Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8 )

Jesus said: “Love thy neighbor.” (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: “Don’t be cruel.” (RCA, 1956)

Jesus said: “Man shall not live by bread alone.”
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.

Jesus is the Lord’s shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.

Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis’ first band was a trio.

Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)

Jesus’ entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
Elvis’ entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.

Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 “comeback” TV special.

Jesus said, “If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink.” (John 7:37)
Elvis said, “Drinks on me!” (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)

Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast)

Matthew was one of Jesus’ many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Neil Matthews was one of Elvis’ many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)

“[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow.” (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.

Mary, an important woman in Jesus’ life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis’ life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.

Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.

Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.

Jesus’ Father is everywhere.
Elvis’ father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit.

Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis’ favorite high school class was wood shop.

Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.

Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
Elvis’ face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.

Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.

And moreover, Elvis and Jesus were never seen in the same place at the same time.

— Gleaned from some old Usenet posting more than 10 years ago, probably by a collection of writers.

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Crappy Album Covers #12 – Gettin’ Religion

Some crappy album covers for those interested in gettin’ religion.

Reverend Robert Rap – by Strider

He’s the Reverend in Rhythm
The Disciple of rhyme
While the choir sings the words
His peeps keepin’ time

He doesn’t get paid much
And he doesn’t get the girl
But his retirement package
Is out of this world!

He doesn’t ever say much
He’s hard to excite
He’s the Father with the Collar
The Man in Black is Bob White
Information is hard to find, but he has an uncanny resemblance to Reverend Bob Dobbs, the figurehead of the Church of the Subgenius, a group of quasi-nutcases best described as an anti-cult. But with Dobbs, the tastelessness is intentional.The multiculoured rays and the lightning bolts coming from his head show Dobbs to be a “true” deity, one who separates the “slackers” (the good guys in this church) from the “normals” (that’s the rest of us, or the “bad guys”).
The nice thing about some of these albums is that, like “I’m God’s Child” by The Cooper Family, is that once you see an album that looks puritannical like this, you can fairly predict that the contents will likely be of a puritannical nature also. The cover is a forewarning. It is crappy looking with a purpose.

Now, I don’t know, but if you are God’s child — if you really are God’s child … then at least one of these kids were sired by God and not Pa Cooper. At least one of them are immortal. The other kids have the let-down of knowing that they were sired by Pa and will die when they’re old. This must generate a lot of irrational resentment based on inflated expectations.

I don’t know, but Ma Cooper in this photo has some resemblance to Joyce Drake (see part 6 of this series).
I can only place Butch Yelton’s album in the ’70s, but nothing more accurate than that.

Right now, upon seeing that in this clearing, Butch has swung his axe a few too many times, I wish to point out that clear-cutting a forest is bad for the environment. Clearing the trees also results in the decline in population of tree-dwelling species of animals, all of whom God created. Notice in this picture, that the only trees to cut are the ones in the distance. Wouldn’t Butch find himself more in God’s favour if he spared the few trees left on his property?

Now, I could be reading this all wrong. The picture clearly shows that this field was never a forest, due to the lack of stumps left behind. It could be that God must take away the stump each time he fells a tree. That would really make it a Gospel Axe. Butch chops down a tree, then God removes the evidence. They’re kind of like partners in crime.

 

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