In a world where all noise are created equal VI: “Christmas” music

Only 5 days to Christmas, and you need some music. Let me help out …

It’s that time of year again, and here are some musical genres listed at Every Noise at Once that have “Christmas” in the names:

celtic christmas This is a good, Irish-influenced way to hear Xmas music: Clannad, The Chieftans, Enya, …
christian christmas  As opposed to …?
christmas  The standard fare
christmas product  More standard fare
classical christmas Another nice addition to the holiday spirit. Why do you need to hear Burl Ives or Bing Crosby for the bazillionth time anyway?
country christmas Just about any country musician will do. Too many to list: ranging from Tennessee Ernie Ford to Dwight Yoakam.
folk christmas Folk? I am unsure how they justify listing Elton John, Natalie Marchant, and Bruce Springsteen as Folk. I can see Peter Paul and Mary, and Bob Dylan, but Death Cab for Cutie? Really? My favourite Christmas song, “Calling on Mary” by Aimee Mann is listed here. More bluesy than folky, though. Most of the names listed under “Folk” are notable for pop music.
heavy christmas If you want your Christmas tunes sung by bands like Warrant, Dokken, Faster Pussycat, or Ted Nugent, you’ve come to the right place.
indie christmas For those who wish to drink their egg nog to the musical styings of Fountains of Wayne, The Dandy Warhols, Ben Folds, Andrew Bird, My Morning Jacket, Weezer, Liz Phair, among many others.
jazz christmas There are all the standard Jazz names there: Chick Corea, David Brubeck, Herbie Hancock, John Scofield, and while Miles Davis is listed, there is no musical sample available of him. Boo!
latin christmas Latino Christmas music, not Christmas in Latin. Both exist. Could confuse people.
pop christmas A near-copy of the Folk genre. In addition, you have Cher, Bowie, Mariah Carey, Backstreet Boys, Carly Simon, and too many more to list.
punk christmas If you would rather kiss under the mistletoe to Blink-182, Jimmy Eat World, or NOFX, then this is the genre for you.
soul christmas Now, wouldn’t it be a good idea to listen to your favourite carols to the vocal stylings of Donny Hathaway, Marvin Gaye, Diana Ross, Chaka Khan, or Gladys Night and the Pips?
world christmas From what I can tell, what is listed here is mostly South American influenced.

In a world where all noise are created equal V: “Black” music …?

Music genres with “Black” in the names …

atmospheric black metal
black death
black metal
black sludge
black thrash
blackgaze
chaotic black metal
dark black metal
depressive black metal
more symphonic black metal
pagan black metal
raw black metal
symphonic black metal
unblack metal

In a world where all noise are created equal IV: names that sound like something else …

If you thought long enough about these names, they would have other (non-musical) connotations. Just sayin’. And yes, there are people who claim these genres really exist.

big room
bouncy house
catstep
charred death
corrosion
deathgrind
deep chill
deep house
deep liquid
experimental psych
fake
fallen angel
full on
funeral doom  If it was my funeral, I wouldn’t care
future garage
goregrind
gothic doom
guidance
hands up
hard alternative  Then, is it worth my while?
hauntology
jerk
lowercase
microhouse
minimal wave
nordic house
power violence
psychobilly
relaxative
rock steady
soda pop According to the samplings, this seems to be torch songs from the late 50s and early 60s.
space rock
steampunk
trapstep
vaporwave

In a world where all noise are created equal III: Absurdly obtuse genre names

Whether due to the fusion of too many genres or names which relegate the band to certain obscurity, these are ones I chose which I cannot even imagine what the sound must be like. To know, the website Every Noise at Once gives sound samples of most bands and genres they list.

alternative new age
ambient psychill  Most of these could just be labelled “techno”
ambient trance
anti-folk
antiviral pop  Pop that will never be viral … ?
crust punk
deep alternative r&b  More “deep” genres
deep happy hardcore
deep filthstep
deep space rock
e6fi From now on, genres will be given serial numbers
fidget house
ghettotech
gothic americana
grim death metal
happy hardcore
hatecore
heavy christmas
martial industrial
mathcore
melodic death metal  For your melodic death
melodic metalcore
necrogrind  Who gets to decide what the difference is between “melodic death metal” and “necrogrind”?
post-post-hardcore
progressive psytrance
progressive uplifting trance
rock noise
technical brutal death metal  For your technical brutality
turntablism  For all those turntablists out there
underground latin hip hop
vocaloid

In a world where all noise are created equal II: Futile Reinvention

Here is a list of names of genres that appear as futile attempts at reinvention of existing genres:

abstract hip hop
chaotic hardcore
brutal deathcore
deep disco Contradiction in terms
deeper house There are a raft of genres preceded by the adjective “deeper” which seem to exist.
disco polo
folk-prog
folk punk
geek folk
geek rock
grave wave A genre that admits that new wave is dead.
hard stoner rock
math pop There are a number of genres that are listed with “nerd” in front of the name, such as “nerdcore”, but this one is new to me. But “pop” implies popularity. Would you play “math pop” to be popular?
math rock
neo metal
neo soul
nu age One of a raft of genres made newer by the placement of “nu” in front of the genre name
post rock
protopunk
scorecore
screamocore
terrorcore
underground pop rap

Samplings and band names are located at Every Noise at Once.

In a world where all noise are created equal I: Genres I know nothing about

The website everynoise.com deals in some way with plotting the musical classification categories of all music that exists (to which they are aware) on their web page. The next few articles form a small sample of the nearly 1500 genres listed. On that website, if you click on a genre, you are given a sound sample. Click again, you are led to another page consisting of band names in that genre. Now, as a former college DJ, I have heard of a lot of these genres, but here is a list I have not heard of at all:

acousmatic
atmospheric post-metal
australian alternative rock
brazilian indie
brutal death metal This is actually one of many genres that are made new by placing the word “brutal” in the genre name.
christian hardcore
christian punk
classic chinese pop
classic peruvian pop
columbus ohio indie
freakbeat
funky breaks
hurban
hyphy
liquid funk
serialism
stomp and whittle
stomp pop
technical death metal Where music goes to technically die, I suppose.
triangle indie
ye ye
yoik

This is the first of a series of lists of strange music genre names listed at the site. For a complete list along with band names and music samplings, visit the site Every Noise at Once.

Nobody wins

This is a story about Nobody getting arrested. Nobody getting a brutal police beating. Nobody spending three days in hospital. Nobody being jailed, and Nobody being let go, because the charges didn’t stick.

While hearing reports about Adam Nobody seems humourous, with reporters having to, as they always do for people they are discussing, referring to them by their last names, this gives the G20 protest a frightfully Orwellian ring to it. I find it slightly unnerving for reporters to now be allowed to say that at the G20 protest three years ago, “Nobody got arrested”, or “Nobody was kicked and bruised”, but yet “Nobody was found Not Guilty of all charges”. How about this: “Nobody did not assault the officers”. There is a video of Nobody on YouTube.

This just writes itself. There is nothing left to say.

Facts About Canada

I have some things to say in response to Mark Rayner’s article, as personal reflections. BTW, Rayner did the usual good write-up job with these kinds of articles. But you know, I can’t read these kinds of “What is a Canadian” article without making a lot of mental responses. Here are my responses to a selection of his articles.

Gordon LightfootInternational Stars. The Canadian vocalists who obtained international fame which Rayner focuses on are the later stars of the past 20 or so years. One exception is his mention of Joni Mitchell. Contrasting the music of Joni Mitchell or The Band with anything in the past 20 years is interesting. For one thing, raw talent is passed up for what becomes instead a compromise between good looks and talent. Today’s talent are more the product of focus groups than anything. In the past 2 or 3 decades, I doubt that anything will have the same staying power as a song like “Big Yellow Taxi” or “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down”. The only really compelling conclusion is that our music has become more American. I only thank God he didn’t mention Justin Bieber.
Toronto Maple LeafsHockey. My connection with hockey is that my dad drove the Zamboni in Maple Leaf Gardens back in the late 60s/early 70s when rooting for the Leafs actually meant something. Strangely, I was never that much into hockey, and only vaguely know the rules. I also find it obscene that, as of late, the season now goes into mid-June. I don’t know what impression that gives the rest of the world, but trust us you guys, we do have other things to do with our spare time aside from watching or playing hockey. Frankly, since the Leafs are probably now one of the worst teams in the NHL, and have been for decades, I wouldn’t mind if the team got sold to, say, a franchise in Florida or something. Hey, it isn’t that far to go if you want to see them that bad … want to see them lose that bad.
Tim Horton’s. Nope. Not a fan. Coffee’s too weak; and I can taste the lard in the doughnuts. Oatmeal raisin cookies are OK, but sometimes they seem to be half-cooked. Starbuck’s has me spoiled for coffee. I am not fond of most of their pastries either, but the quality is more even from store to store. I’m fussy about my pastries. And thank God, since it keeps me from over-eating even more than I already do. There are few to no 24-hour Starbucks franchises, and thank God for that too, since that keeps my caffeine addiction levels at bay. If they put addictive rocket-fuel derivatives in Timmy’s coffee as Rayner quipped, it didn’t work on me.
The CBC. The CBC may be needed to keep the zombies at bay, but I think that it serves as a foil to media to the south of us. I think this is important, since I wish to be informed of the talent arising in our country (in all fields, not just entertainment), and of news. This kind of thing does not fare so well when it is done commercially, but it is necessary to keep us from being alienated from happenings inside our own borders. What Rayner doesn’t mention is that they also have CBC Radio 3. What Radio 3 is, is an internet feed of streaming music from Canadian talent. I think this is an incredible service, and if you are looking for music that is really different from what your local radio station is playing, then I highly recommend tuning into it. And what’s best, there are no ads, and very little to no chatting from announcers. It’s like listening to college radio non-stop (to me, that’s a good thing).
William Shatner. I don’t think readers of my blog will believe me if I come out in agreement with whatever fawning remarks Rayner has about Shatner. Not after all those crappy album covers I’ve had of him prior to 2010. OK, I admit his “I AM CANADIAN” rant parody was pretty good.

Click on any image to get to the originating blog or website where the image originated.

Happy Canada Day, everyone!

Crappy Album Covers #161 — The uses of recycled curtains

Album_Cover_Crap_213_-_worstalbumcovers_com June Mary Gough (stage surname is Bronhill) (1929-2005) sports a long dress made from curtains taken from a rummage sale at the Sydney Opera House.

She is a renowned operatic soprano, and was made an Officer of the Order of the British Empire. She is here posing outside of an opera house in her native Australian state of New South Wales.

Album_Cover_Crap_214_-_worstalbumcovers_com These neatly dressed lads and curtain-wearing ladies probably have no connection to this Canadian rock group that shares their namesake.

In fact, there are a number of current bands that share this name. One of them is an Irish trad band that sings such ditties such as “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour on The Bedpost Overnight?” That version of the Black Diamonds has no women in it. Needless to say, I couldn’t find any straight information on this group.

Crappy Album Covers #160 – Elvez Prezley

Album_Cover_Crap_212_-_kristianhoffman_com This would be the soundtrack to Elvis’s first comedy, GI Blues, released in 1960 by Paramount Pictures, where he acts as Tulsa alongside some token girl named Juliet Prowse, who plays Lili.
Album_Cover_Crap_211_-_kristianhoffman_com This is not Elvez, but “El Vez” (The Time), played by Hispanic smart aleck Robert Lopez. He is not strictly an Elvis impersonator, and has been known to do covers of other artists.

Lopez was born when the original album was created, and this parody was released almost 40 years later, in 1996.

Crappy Album Covers #151 — Cherchez le femme

Album_Cover_Crap_258_badalbumart_blogspot_com Boy’s Town Gang consisted of Cynthia Manley, and a revolving door of pretty boyz. These two are most likely to be Tom Morely and Bruce Carlton, seeing that the release of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You was around 1982.

They were into the so-called “high-energy” disco, in the late 70s and early 80s, as it was on its last stages of life support.When the Village People met a quasi-demise with their musical interpretation of the film “Can’t Stop the Music”, buy viagra online reviews leaving a hole in the “high energy disco written by homosexuals” market, The Boy’s Town Gang were right there to take up the slack, giving the San Francisco area a steady supply of disco.

Album_Cover_Crap_250_bizarrerecords_com Phillipino comedic vocalist Roman “Yoyoy” Villame (1938-2007) shows us how to get the woman we want to marry.

Villame recorded over 40 albums in his lifetime, mostly to do with political and social satire. He is admired for his sense of humor, both on and offstage.

Crappy Album Covers #122 — Unpopular instruments

Album_Cover_Crap_182_Flickr It is unclear to me whether this “Scottish Sing-A-Long” uses the bagpipes, but the album cover makes it clear that the reactions to bagpipes is still felt by many.This drawing was made after someone probably catheterised one of the pipes from the bagpipe to his nether region, so that every time he blew, … well, you can figure it out.
Album_Cover_Crap_173_Flickr In the grand tradition of Joseph Pujol (known as Le Petomane), Mr. Methane is an expert in farting controlled anal voicing. How does he do it? Apparently, he can take in air through either end of his body, and expel it again.He would blow audiences away with his rendition of the classics.

Mr Methane plays his, uh, “instrument” on a promotional video:

more about “Fart Videos | Farting Movie Clips | A…“, posted with vodpod

Crappy Album Covers #121 — Phallic Symbols III

Album_Cover_Crap_178_Flickr Whirlwind Heat formed 12 years ago in Grand Rapids, Michgan, and continue to make recordings of their own unique brand of alternative music.

For their 2006 offering, their second full-length album, they find that this young lady closes her eyes when she licks her wood. Or maybe she was told to. You never know with these photographers.

Album_Cover_Crap_175_Flickr This is another woman who likes to close her eyes. There is also something that appears to be smoke rising from the banana. Or steam.

I have no information on the group Bananas or their recording “Get it & Come” “Come & Get It”. It’s probably a rock album. Most rock albums have something to do with the sex act or with getting laid in general, don’t they?

Crappy album Covers #120 — Plastic Surgery Disasters

Album_Cover_Crap_177_Flickr Just before work ended, there was this explosion at the Red Rubber Coating factory, and this poor fella couldn’t escape in time.  This is Tripping Daisy’s 1995 offering, called “I Am An Elastic Firecracker.”

What seems a little more worrisome is the skin tone of the fellow underneath the read paint.

Album_Cover_Crap_176_Flickr This is the 1991 single from Aphex Twin, called Window Licker. Aphex Twin is the brainchild of Richard James, a Welsh artist who has been making records since 1991.

My experience with AT is that there is not much about them that is danceable, but this one has its moments. The video generally centers around the theme of picking up whores in some undisclosed location.

I couldn’t understand the first part of the video. It seems that for about the first 2-3 minutes the dilogue is it safe to buy viagra online yahoo answers cosnsisted of two coloured guys in a car repeating the word motherf***er over and over with a few extra words thrown in to make it sound like they were speaking English to each other. When the prostitutes were encountered, the words varied a little more, but the hoes saw through them, and didn’t believe that they had any money.

The tranny groove on this single comes from something that happens part way thru the video where the second customer, who is of the sort that drives a stretch limo with a bazillion windows (namely, our hero Richard), gets out of the car and starts some kind of a mating dance requiring a suggestive use of an umbrella. That’s when the prostitutes start growing beards, and looking like Richard. Creepy.

Crappy Album Covers #116 — Banarne-Rama!

Album_Cover_Crap_194_Flickr Swedish children’s entertainers Trazan and Banarne are at it again with another two records depicting a kind of  Trazan character who looks like Curious George Harrisson; and a scary looking primate called Banarne.

Where do they find a restaurant with silverware and fine crystal in the jungle? Also, being a jungle, there would be no need of a fake potted buy tramadol no rx fern when real ones are likely plentiful.

Album_Cover_Crap_193_Flickr Just to show that no animals were killed in the making of  this children’s show, Trazan and Banarne reveal themselves to be vegetarians, with their meal consisting of  a watermelon split: a half watermelon with cream on top, with cherries, pineapple and banana garnish.

So, this means they are not strict vegetarians.

A Do-It-Yourself Indie Band Album Cover

  1. Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random… Read More”, or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band. Or alternatively, pick a band name using the band name generator and word of your liking at bandnamemaker.com (my preferred method). Warning: to my knowledge neither method will generate a band name such as “Jesus of Kapuskasing”. That name was pure invention. Jesus is, well, Jesus; and Kapuskasing (pronounced cap-us-KAY-sing) is a small town in northern Ontario. I used it because “Jesus of Montreal” was already taken (it is the title of an independent film). Wikipedia has that title.
  2. Go to “Random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. In both cases above, I used the Wikipedia titles from rule #1 to title the album.
  3. Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days.  The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. I threw less caution to the wind and looked a little harder.
  4. Use photoshop or similar to put it all together. Make sure it’s a square. 500 x 500 pixels is ideal. I require a square image too, but I do not have “ideal” limits. Whatever the size, it ends up on my blog as 300 x 300.

How to Make Your Own Indie Band Album Cover

  1. Go to “wikipedia.” Hit “random… Read More”, or click http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band. Or alternatively, pick a band name using the band name generator and word of your liking at bandnamemaker.com (my preferred method). Warning: to my knowledge neither method will generate a band name such as “Jesus of Kapuskasing”. That name was pure invention. Jesus is, well, Jesus; and Kapuskasing (pronounced cap-us-KAY-sing) is a small town in northern Ontario. I used it because “Jesus of Montreal” was already taken (it is the title of an independent film). Wikipedia has that title.
  2. Go to “Random quotations” or click http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3 The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album. In both cases above, I used the Wikipedia titles from rule #1 to title the album.
  3. Go to flickr and click on “explore the last seven days” or click http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover. I threw less caution to the wind and looked a little harder.
  4. Use photoshop or similar to put it all together. Make sure it’s a square. 500 x 500 pixels is ideal. I require a square image too, but I do not have “ideal” limits. Whatever the size, it ends up on my blog as 300 x 300.

Crappy Album Covers #30 — RAP! ZAP! POW! BOOM!

With Just-Ice’s 1986 album “Back to the Old School”, we now see who the initial artistic influence was behind the designing of the album covers for the Putumayo collection. All a cover artist would need to do is remove the graffiti and a few of the logos, put smiles on everyone’s faces, and you now have the basic artistic elements for a sterilized, dumbed-down Putumayo album cover. Re-title it something like “Putumayo goes to The Bronx”, and the joke is perfect.

First released in 1986 and re-released in 2005, this CD has been the artistic force behind what is, in the album’s contents, a major influential work in the history of hip-hop music. It is said that by today’s standards, the music is a bit tame, but it wasn’t tame in its day. It’s just that, yeah, the cover could have used some work.

Ode to Devastatin’ Dave by Strider

I give my all for my fans
across the entire nation
From my glasses to my pants
which cut my circulation.
My mullet and my ‘stache
are the marks of a white rapper
Who has to sell more
or my career goes down the crapper.

“Zip Zap Rap”
in the colours of my desk jet
CMYK
are the colours you obey! Sucka!

You know, if it were not for people like Devastatin’ Dave The Turntable Slave (who, by the way, looks like a dead ringer for Weird Al), there would be no fun in making these entries. Look at the color scheme. Yes, they really are the four basic inkjet colours: cyan, magenta, yellow and black. I would suppose that these must be the colours most recognised and feared by the peeps in his ‘hood!