Crappy Album Covers #192 — Non Sequiturs and Weirdness

Album_Cover_Crap_401_fischerspooner-the-entertainer Let’s  see if I can figure this out … Dusan Reljin Fischerspooner wears a top hat (of the vaudeville variety) attached to a metal cage extending the height of his forehead; the hat is somehow connected to two bungee cords which also are tied to hs neck; and finally the top of his hat is attached to what appears to be a circular flourescent lamp.

This is as close as one can get to a Gary Numan imitation in Fischerspooner’s 2009 album, “Entertainment”. AOL Radio has rated this CD cover as the #2 worst cover of 2009.

Album_Cover_Crap_349 No information exists on these adorable, slightly mischievous children, and even less on the little girl plugging her ears. She doesn’t look too happy with the choir’s singing. Nevertheless, I am left scratching my head wondering why they chose that photo to promote the record?
Also, no info on the album “Merry (Music for) Christmas” either.

Crappy Album Covers #191 — Slightly creepy

Album_Cover_Crap_403 I am not sure why it matters that a record album be advertised as “full color” high fidelity, but that is the kind of thing that comes with this compilation of “Rock and Roll Party Oldies and Goodies”, I suppose.

I am not sure which is dorkier: the guy hopping up and down and not being sure whether he is actually enjoying himself; or the barefoot young girl parachuting down with her skirt fully airborne. I think the reason for the pained expression on the guy’s face is from the fact that they bailed out of a plane from 5 miles in the air without a parachute, and they are about to become sidewalk souffle.

Album_Cover_Crap_405_thunder-thighs-blowupdoll This one comes from Bunk Strutts, who posted it before I did.

Thunder Thighs are a group of three British female backup singers who apparently were well-known in the industry. They decided to make a record of themselves, and got Lynsey de Paul to write their first hit single “Central Park Arrest” in 1974, which made it to #30 on the British Charts that year.

They had previously provided backing vocals to the likes of Lou Reed, Mott the Hoople, and Jerry Lee Lewis.

 

Crappy Album Covers #190 — I Can’t Count

Album_Cover_Crap_328_Cool_Five Hiroshi Uchiyamada (1936-2006) and The Cool Five are a Japanese group that proves that not knowing how to count is not merely a symptom of brainless white North American schoolchildren anymore, if it ever was. Determined to smash through Oriental stereotypes (after we sing a tune, join us for some Calculus!), the Cool Five have always boldly portrayed themselves as six people. No “Asian fail” for these folks! They get the White fail!

Even after Hiroshi’s death, they searched around for a sixth member to fill up the Five, and found Kiyoshi Maekawa to join up with Etsuro Miyamoto, Masaki Kobayashi, Masashi Osawa, Ryoma Nishida, and Tetsuya Yamagami.

Since 1969, their total sales nearly exceeded 6 million units. Maybe that’s the only math that really matters.

Album_Cover_Crap_404_purgatorio_com Can’t count to 4. There yuh go. White fail.

Please God, let the patron saint of mathematicians (whomever s/he may be) come down to these people with their blessings and maybe knock some math sense into them. Amen.

Crappy Album Covers #189 — Faerie Dust

Album_Cover_Crap_348 This is likely a late 70s release from the Hungarian prog rock group Omega. If it makes you feel any better, there is a 2002 album by them called Time Robber where they are all dressed in black.

This is supposed to be spacey and experimental and the cover makes it look like some of the members have spent too long under the blow dryer.

Album_Cover_Crap_400_super-animal-brothers-iii-ear-pwr “Psychopharmaceutical Monopoly” is played with as many players as you want. Everyone must bring their own stash of drugs. Instead of a bank (as in real monopoly), you have a “psych ward” where the new drugs are dispensed into circulation to the other legal buy tramadol online players. Players are allowed to consume their drugs during play to prevent their opponent from taking them. However, consumed drugs are considered no longer in play, and the player who consumed the drug(s) has to still have the competence to roll dice and move his piece around the board correctly, otherwise, he is out, and his remaining stash sent back to the psych ward.

That is the idea this cover seems to convey, with “Ear Pwr’s” 2009 album “Animal Brothers”. AOL Radio has declared this cover to be the third worst of 2009. The other two will come in subsequent postings.

Crappy Album Covers #188 — Sex Education

Album_Cover_Crap_347

The sexual education of our young is the one touchy point in our society.  And whether parents are really saying the right things is what worries counsellors and psychologists all over the world.

 

Look at the father on the left presumably talking with the young boy. Hopefully, the father is not “showing him the moves” with his right hand, since I don’t think that kind of sex ed is what anyone intended.

Album_Cover_Crap_344

I would guess that this is how young girls end up if they don’t have sex ed. Like Nancy Walker here.It is equally likely that you can turn the logic around and say that Nancy was the victim of too many men who didn’t know what to do with their trumpets. Could there be anything worse?

 

Nancy Walker directed in The Mary Tyler Moore Show, as well as showing up as Ida Morganstern in the spinoff sitcom Rhoda.

Crappy Album Covers #187 — Food on Vinyl IX

Album_Cover_Crap_343 Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to the sub-series that never ends! FOOD ON VINYL!

Martha and her ugly sister greta were in bed sleeping when they were awaken by a rumbling outisde their room. They followed the rumbling to the kitchen, when, suddenly, they were attacked by snacks! Marauding hamburgers, with evil eyes, flying through the air.

This is a cover for the U. S. release of the 1981 album from Kevin Godley and Lol Creme, which was called “Ismism” elsewhere, but they thought “Snack Attack” would work better for North Americans. It yielded one top-40 single on Billboard: “Under Your Thumb”. The title track never charted.

Album_Cover_Crap_381 Gershon Kingsley is the composer of  this classic tune that no conscientious tacky ’70s synth collector should be without. He recorded it in 1969, where it broke wide open in Europe

Hippies and nerds alike copped to it. Hot Butter records it in 1972 and even kids as young as 5 got into it. And of course, it was of that certain genre of music that made it into more than one K-Tel compilation.

The album cover could have been designed by Andy Warhol, but I doubt it.

Crappy Album Covers #186 — A Parent's Horror

Album_Cover_Crap_341 A parent’s horror: Ukuleles. On tour, no less. Pay admission, you get to hear a whole orchestra of them.

 

Few people can make a ukulele sound good.  This is an elpee’s worth of toons from a group of classmates, possibly from Halifax, by Order of Canada recipient J. Chalmers Doane and a group of his pupils. This was Doane’s second recording, released in 1974, of a total of 9 albums of children and their ukeleles. This was reportedly recorded during a tour of Quebec and Ontario.

Album_Cover_Crap_345 Another horror: Babies crying! For forty-five solid minutes! Can you stand being in a room that long while this is playing?

 

On a more solemn note, what did the guys in the studio do to make the babies cry? Take away their rattle? Slap them up’side the head? Electric shock treatment? You got to wonder.

Actually, you need not. These are recordings of  more than 20 different kinds of diseased babies, so that physicians can tell the kind of disease by the kind of cry the baby makes. Recorded in 1971 by a South African doctor, Dr. Eugene Weinberg. Hear babies with Chronic Asthma! Cystic fibrosis! Severe Pneumonia! Cri du Chat! Hydroencephaly! You’ll never mis-diagnose again!

Crappy Album Covers #185 — Family Bands II

Album_Cover_Crap_346 Available for $21.00 on some websites, this 1977 album features siblings Rick, Jack, Toby, Jill and Carrie who hail from Minneapolis, and according to Bizarrerecords.com (click on image) they still are performing as grownups.
Album_Cover_Crap_342 Comedians John and VickiJo Witty are here with their album called “Family Portrait”. Not sure about their style of humour (haven’t heard of them), and info is hard to find online; although I have found this album for sale in some places.

 

The Groucho glasses gag is old by several generations, and I hope that is no reflection on the originality of the humour within. I have found it on sale from a few places in my online searches.

Crappy Album Covers #184 — The International Language of Bad Taste V

Album_Cover_Crap_336 In the multilingual universe that is the international CAC-o-sphere, we see three guys with pasty complexions and one chick sporting skin tones of a living being.

Honestly — do we have to see the pasty complexions twice — once again in their reflections?

A direct translation of the title might be uninformative, but “Look To Paris”/”I Want You” seem to come out in Google.

Album_Cover_Crap_390 Cattus. That’s “Cat” in latin. Actually, that’s “Feline” in Latin. From Perez Prado and His Orchestra, from before the days of stereo.

Sorry. I succumbed to the lolcat craze. Enjoy.

Crappy Album Covers #183 — Chixdiggit!

Album_Cover_Crap_335 What is the problem with this picture? It would seem as though, despite all of the efforts of these four lads to entice the two swimsuit-clad young ladies to join them (hell, what lady wouldn’t be impressed four guys wanting to form a human pyramid?), there is a major logistical problem: There are only two ladies for four guys. Maybe they should be called “The Four Perps”. Or: “The Four Pervs”.

The Four Preps had been performing for the better part of 30 years, beginning in the 1950s. The original lineup consisted of Bruce Belland, Ed Cobb (1938-1999), Marv Ingram, and Glen Larson. In the 12 years between 1954 and 1966, they reached the Billboard Hot 100 13 times.  Belland wrote the song “Tainted Love” for singer Gloria Jones, which Soft Cell turned into a worldwide smash hit in 1982.  Glen Larson became a big-time TV producer in the 1970s.

Album_Cover_Crap_389 Chicks dig guys with guitars. Les Paul (1915-2009), supremo guitarist that he is, would score with the chicks all the time. And just to make sure that chicks fall prostrate at his feet each time he picks up that guitar of his here he is depicted as having 6 guitars and 12 hands to play them with. This is the album cover equivalent of gang rape.

Not enough can be said about Lester William Polsfuss, since without him rock and roll wouldn’t exist, and most of country music would still consist of fiddles, banjoes, and accordions. Every time you see a group of four musicians, at least one or two of them will be sporting a Les Paul invention — the electric guitar. He also contributed chording sequences, fretting techniques, riffs and licks that many rock and country musicians are still thankful to him for. He also has his own permanent place in The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio.

So, Chicks? What’s not to dig?

Crappy Album Covers #182 — Something Missing

Album_Cover_Crap_330 Former trucker Vance Edwards should know better than to pose in front of a trailer without the requisite truck. And I, along with many other bloggers in the CAC-o-sphere question the use of unintelligible yellow patches on eithr red or blue clothes. The electric guitars and keyboards that could not possibly be plugged into anything has been a staple of many CAC makers, to the point where I am now convinced that it is some kind of low-brow literary technique. The chick on the drums brings a kind of feminist Keren Carperteresque overtone to the cover, while keeping the group locked into its focus as CAC makers of the first order.

Then, like hours on the clock, there are these graphics arranged in a pattern similar to the bottom graphic in this post. Except that they are trucks, not sex positions. While buy tramadol cash on delivery Truckin’ came out in 1973, it is hard to know which idea came first.

Not much else is known about Vance or his band.

Album_Cover_Crap_332 Another circular graphic of another band, this time with an actual clock watermarked on to the photo. We have two bouffont-encrusted ladies playing electric guitar — one of them showing off a subconscious desire to play like Ace Frehley (or pick your heavy metal fave) by sporting a dual-necked guitar. Both ckicks are in their cut-below-the-knee Century 21 Real Estate suits and red turtlenecks, matching Ricky Ricardo’s (?) dinner jacket.

Not much else is known about the Calvary-Aires; though much speculation and prognostication pervades the CAC blogosphere, which I will not repeat here. The Calvary Aires had warned me that it is against the Scriptures to prognosticate. Not sure they knew what the word meant.

Crappy Album Covers #181 — Plainness, overdone

Album_Cover_Crap_338 Currently selling on E-Bay for about 15 bucks, Bobbi Jean White’s album “Higher Ground!” shows Ms White sporting the bouffont she was well-known for.White had been singing gospel since she was a child in Georgia. She had recorded dozens of albums either solo or with other groups, then became a radio announcer beginning for a Gospel radio station in the 1970s. This career extended into the early 90s.She had lost her hearing 12 years ago, and got it back this year through surgery, hearing again at age 79.
Album_Cover_Crap_337 P. J. Orion and the Magnate$’ self-titled LP is diaplayed here, with its litany of cliches, including (1) with the band posing with electrical instruments that could not possibly be plugged into anything; (2) wearing shades; (3) railroad motif; (4) prairie background with requisite blue sky.This was rumored to have been released in the 1960s, while the guys in the photo were attending prep school.

Crappy Album Covers #180 — The standards and the classics

Album_Cover_Crap_331 Elva Miller (1907-1997) made her claim to fame with purposefully bad Ethel Merman imitations where she sung songs from the Great American Songbook out of tune, along with many other kinds of well-known songs.When Mrs. Miller “Does her Thing”, I think the message here is that it is time to run  and hide. You never know what’s in those brownies.
Album_Cover_Crap_324_gyorgy

“Hey! Youse guys want to hear some o’ dat long-hair classical music or what? Well, don’t let some schmuck wearing a tux tell you what classical music is; let me tell you. Now, uh, I think my music teacher  told me dat once you hear The Nutcracker, all of the classical music sounds like that. Trouble is, though, my music teacher ran off with my money before I had all my lessons. Dat’s why I dress like a bum. My brudder here got through his lessons, but got killed in an accident with a cabbage truck. We cryogenically froze him in dis position, and so once in a while I take the fiddle from his hand, and fool around with it a bit. Frig it, he’s dead anyway — and I put it back after a while.”

No information exists about Markos and Nadas Gyorgy that I am aware of.

Here is Miss Elva Miller, singing “These Boots Are Made for Walking”. Rather than sounding like Merman, I think that in this song at least, she sounds more like Miss Piggy on the Muppet Show. This is off of her “Greatest Hits” LP:

Crappy Album Covers #179 — Strange Cowboys

Album_Cover_Crap_327_Gercei_Camargo No idea who this cowboy wannabe is, but Gercei Camargo’s idea of being a cowboy — and a singing one at that — is to wear something strange over his nether region (looks like a kilt with a cushion) and frilly pants over his cowboy boots.
Album_Cover_Crap_333 Sharon McNight’s “Another Side Of” was likely released after 1989. Many blogs I have seen referred to the shirtless cowboy who looks like he is about to spew chunks; and the two dogs next to Sharon who blend into the carpet too well. I can add that her black dress makes her white as a ghost. And doesn’t the set seem a little tilted?

Sharon is (or has been) a Tony award-winning actress on Broadway, and is still performing between New York and her native San Francisco.

Crappy Album Covers #178 — Why they have trouble getting laid

Album_Cover_Crap_325_in_concert_sherbet Red candy stripes on men’s suits was one of those fleeting styles for maybe a month or two in 1975, before someone, somewhere said ‘wtf’, and the style became passe, if it ever was de rigeur.Maybe he really does want to work as a volunteer candy striper at a hospital. I still think he will be in trouble from the head nurse when she tells him to button his shirt.

That being said, Sherbet was one of the biggest rock bands in Australia in the 1970s, led by (I believe) Daryl Braithwaite and Clive Shakespeare. They have released around 19 Australian top 40 hits in their tenure, with 3 of them reaching #1.

Album_Cover_Crap_326_Jaws Let’s face it. He looks simple, trustworthy (or at least eager to please, in a Gollum kind of a way). The title translates from Portuguese to “Stingray’s Disgusting”, and probably better translated to “Filthy big stingrays” or some such. The subtitle becomes “Animating your party”.

At another CAC blog (on Flickr, I believe), a caption read “he’s your boyfriend”. It depends on what you want him for, I suppose.

(Images may be disturbing) Crappy Album Covers #138 — Food on Vinyl VII

Album_Cover_Crap_222_-_amright_com This is the last (I promise) of the Herb Alpert parody covers I have.

Jabberwocky is an audio montage troupe in the tradition of Negativland and Plunderphonics. All these folks use spliced audio sequences and multi-track audio in order to make social commentary on media, popular culture, sexuality, war, and religion.

You can download the whole album (In the tradition of Plunderphonics and Negativland, audio and artwork are open-sourced) and cover art here.

Album_Cover_Crap_203_vinylhaven_com It is said that donkeys like carrots, so one can hold a carrot on the end of a stick in front of the donkey, and this makes them move forward, thus overcoming stubbornness.

That’s the cliche I think the album depicts. The idea is that the donkey never gets the carrot, but hopes that it does. Kind of like the deal that Badfinger made with Warner at the time this album came out, 1972. This album was the last one made for Apple Records, essentially ending their close association with The Beatles.

Other bloggers have noted confusion about the name Badfinger and Ass being on the same cover. It is a pet peeve that I have had of most bands since the early 70s, in that the metaphors are so mixed up that the message is completely lost. Usually a sign of what is inside the cover.

This LP peaked at #122 with its single “The Apple of My Eye” peaking at #102 on Billboard.

Crappy Album Covers #137 — Food on Vinyl VI

Album_Cover_Crap_227_-_amright_com Here is the Lawrence Welk organist Bob Ralston, who while trying to be Alpert-esque with the album lettering, has still managed to do this album cover without being covered in food, to his credit.

Judging by Ralston’s youthful appearance, this album probably dates to about the same time as “Whipped Cream”.

Album_Cover_Crap_225_-_amright_com “Sweet Cream and Other Delights” is a 1978 album by the all-girl funk/soul trio from Detroit called Sweet Cream.

When working as backup singers, they would be featured on many albums as “The Ridgeway Sisters” or “The Ridgeways”.

The three Ridgeway sisters (Gloria, Esther, and Gracie) have been singing as a group since age 4, 6 and 8 respectively. At most recent report, only Gloria has survived the three, the others having passed on in this decade, while still in their forties.

Crappy Album Covers #134 — Still more frickin' sunshine

Frickin’? Friggin’? I wish they had a dictionary for the correct spelling of expletives.

Album_Cover_Crap_156_showandtelmusic_com_Greatest_Picks Lillian Southard Robinson looks like a kindly enough elderly woman in the picture. The kind that would give an extra quarter to the paperboy, and who would visit shut-ins twice every week. In the middle ground of the photo is a quote from the Gospel of St. John 4:35, which she quotes as: “Look on the fields/They are white to harvest”.Funny. My copy of the Bible (NAV), says the fields are “ripe to harvest”. Finding the word “white” required me to dust off my wife’s King James Bible.

I was almost willing to forgive her for this almost white supremacist-sounding reference, until I discovered that the very next verse talks about the Grim buy tramadol 100mg online Reaper receiveing his “payment”…

Hoooo—kay… Next album …

Album_Cover_Crap_174_Flickr The Summons Team (?) is here to proclaim their belief in “The Man of Reality”.Now if only the record cover reflected some reality: where do they plan to plug in their electric guitars and keyboard? Also looks like the dude in the foreground lost his drum kit. It happens, you know. Some thief sneaks into the studio, stuffs the drum kit, seat, and bass drum in his shirt pocket, and escapes through the door un-detected by security cameras. Happens all the time. So the drummer had to force himself to smile in this photo.

So, I guess that means this is the first ever record album to come without batteries. (A strained pun, I know).

Crappy Album Covers #133 — Hicks from the sticks

Album_Cover_Crap_164_showandtelmusic_com Felix Lorentz will sing your requests whether you want him or not. He comes out of his shack near the lagoon to the bar in the nearby village and rips the mike out of the hand of the entertainer that was scheduled to arrive, and yells out “I take requests!”After a few moments of stunned silence, someone says in a timid voice: “Can you sing ‘Tiptoe Through the Tulips?'”

Someone else pipes up: “Happy Birthday To You!” “Row, Row, Row your boat!” It was then Lorentz realised that he had barged into an old folks home, an the bar was next door.

Album_Cover_Crap_162_showandtelmusic_com_Greatest_Picks Ahh, the games you can play with a title like “Wild Country”. A hootenanny gone wild…wild music by wild musicians….Your wildest guesses won’t know who is on the playlist. Wild musicians: “Your Cheatin’ Heart” played by Jimi Hendrix. “Achey Breakey Heart” played by AC-DC. “Till I Gain Control Again” by Pink Floyd.

None of them made it to the sessions for this album, but thank you for your purchase of this fine vinyl record album, and thanks for coming out.

Crappy Album Covers #132 — More happiness

cover6 Another album cover which has been fodder for the CAC blogs, “Return to Oz”, from a Leo Sayer wannabe named Dardy. If anyone can tell me something biographical about Dardy, drop me a comment.
Album_Cover_Crap_161_showandtelmusic_com_Greatest_Picks This dynamic fun machine also produces happiness. Every home should have one. This one has a flat tire, so it can only produce mild sanguinity. It’s all you can do until the Dynamic Duo purchases a tire tube at Wal-Mart’s next clearance sale.